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the killer in me is the killer in you, my love. [entries|friends|calendar]
Emma Nelson.

[ website | What if I don't like me very much right now? ]
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she only sleeps when it's raining. [18 May 2006|08:43pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Okay, I absolutely suck at updating.

Life has been good. Less dramatic, less depressing. Thank God.

Mother's Day weekend was amazing. On Saturday, I took my mom out for a early Mother's Day thing. We shopped and went out to lunch and did all the things that we used to to every weekend. I forgot how much fun it is to be with her; I really missed that.

Then, on Sunday, I thought Sean forgot about me and Mother's Day and such, so I was kind of sad. But, of course, he didn't. He and Riley made me this really sweet gift, it has Ri's handprints and footprints on it and such, and I absolutely love it.

Lately, I've been staying home, taking care of Riley. I need to get a job. I would have one by now but only problem is I need someone to watch Riley while Sean and I are at work. My mom can help out when she comes home but that'll probably still leave a few hours that I'll still need someone to watch her. Mom says she doesn't mind watching Ri, but I still feel like I'm sticking her with her all the time, and she doesn't get to have a life, since she's either with Jack, Riley or both of them.

I don't know. I'm gonna go try and get some sleep. Night.

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i would be lying if i said that things would never get rough. [24 Apr 2006|09:44pm]
Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world

"Excuse me, sir,
But I have plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right"
My reply:
"Excuse me, miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?"

She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"
My reply:
"Trust me, girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice-
Instead of dying, living with me."

I miss you. I miss us. I miss the past, when things were simpler and we were happy.
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now i could make this obvious, and you could deny me all in one breath. [21 Apr 2006|08:48pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

I haven't updated this in a while. Things have been ..I don't know. There's no way to describe it, really. I haven't been sure of what to say. I haven't been sure of a lot of things lately, actually. Everything I've been saying has been coming out really wrong. Only not really. I have bad ways of dealing with things. At least I'm not trying to kill myself, though.

Things are so different lately. Everything's so dramatic and unfortunately I've probably contributed some to that drama. I doubt that things will ever go back to normal (at least not with the way it's all going lately).

It just upset me that nothing's worth living for anymore. Sean says he doesn't want to die. But why did he do what he did, then? I know he lost his job but I told him before that we'd get through it together. What happened to that? What happened to being able to talk to me about anything? He knows I love him and he knows that I'm always going to be there for him. Isn't that enough? Aren't Riley and me enough?

And then there's Darcy. I know she has problems, like Sean said. But going this far? I honestly never think that she'd even try that. I mean, what about Haiden? She's her everything, and I know that. And they still don't even know if she's going to live, which is the worst part. I don't even know how she is right now. What a good friend I am. I just can't and I don't know why and I'm not going to.

I think there's only one thing I'm sure of. All this confusion that I'm dealing with and all these damn thoughts in my head? I don't have anyone to tell and I can't. And quite frankly, I think it's better if it stays that way and I keep it all to myself.

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i hope this is all that you wanted. [05 Apr 2006|07:58pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Fuck you. Why is it that if you're not happy, no one else can be, either? Why do you have to fuck up my life? Why can't you just leave me alone like I try to do with you? Stop making up shit about me. I never did anything with Chris. We're just friends, and nothing more. Yeah, we dated. Back in grade nine! And it didn't last long either, because we knew all we were meant to be were friends.

Sean left, isn't that just fucking grand? Is this what you wanted?

I'm upset, pissed, hurt. Firstly I never knew that you could actually do something this cold hearted. Secondly I can't believe that Sean would believe your crap. I can't even think clearly right now.

I just hope you're happy.

I feel like hurting myself so badly. I hate that this whole thing, and she, is making me want to do this. I'm so confused right now, I don't know what to do. Tell me everything's going to be okay. Maybe I'll believe you.

7 comments|post comment

[28 Mar 2006|06:48pm]
[ mood | busy ]

Life's been hectic these past couple of weeks, but things are getting better. Slowly, but surely. Sean and I fought, but I'm sure that was obvious. We fought, and then we made up. Fought again, and made up. But everything's alright now. And the make up sex is always the best.

We're probably going up to Wasaga sometime next month. Sean's mom wants to see Riley. It's weird, but I'm kind of worried about going up there. I mean, I've met Sean's mom once, sort of. When we took Sean back up there after the shooting. But I don't actually know her -- my mother-in-law. And, what if when she does meet me, she doesn't like me? I know it shouldn't matter all that much, but I want us to get along.

Ah, speaking of. Riley just started crying, so I'll end this here.

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i couldn't tell you, but i'm telling you now. [22 Mar 2006|08:40pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Stop making me feel like this. You always do this to me and I can't do anything to stop myself from feeling this way.

I hate you. I hate you.

I love you, damn it.

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to my favorite liar, to my favorite scar. [18 Mar 2006|10:07pm]
[ mood | angry ]

It kind of makes me wonder how much you've lied to me. I can't believe you listened and let me apologize to you for yelling at you for something that supposedly wasn't true in the first place. You told me it was okay; you forgave me. You were going to let yourself get away with it. Because what I don't know, won't kill me, right? You could've just admitted it to me right at the start, but no, you had to deny it and let that guilt for getting angry with you stay with me for those past few days. When you finally did tell me, it was only because I had to ask you, straight forward. And it wasn't a big deal, 'cause it was only four days, right?

I can't believe you had the audacity to sit there and ask me to say something, and when I wouldn't, get angry with me and walk away from me. You want me to feel guilty again, don't you? Well, guess what? That's not going to happen, because it's not my fault; it's yours.

I'm back at my mom's. I kind of thought I'd be coming back today to talk to you, sort things out, and be there to stay. I didn't expect this, at all.

No, I'm not being over-dramatic. This may have been nothing to you, but to me, it was a big deal. It was a big fucking deal. I don't care how much we needed the money, it was stupid.

I'm not going to crawl back to you this time. I won't do it. It wasn't my fault, and there's nothing I need to feel guilty about or apologize for. It's all on you, sweetie.

4 comments|post comment

i'm sick and tired of, "i told you so." [10 Mar 2006|09:00pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

What. The. Fuck.

This is stupid. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I miss you.

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[04 Mar 2006|10:57am]
We haven't talked in almost three days and it's driving me insane. I didn't realize how bad I hurt him. I didn't mean to, I didn't. It was supposed to be a nice night and I screwed it up.

I'm sorry.
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conclusion came to you. [20 Feb 2006|11:25am]
[ mood | good ]

Long time no update, eh? I've been busy. Riley is amazing. Everything I could ever ask for and more. It's surreal. I have a daughter. Words can't even describe how I felt when I first saw her, or now, even. All I know is that I love her and she's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Chris came over the other night to see her. It was fun. He's special -- his mom told him so. That's why you get to ride in the back of the little yellow bus, right Chris? ;-*

We're so weird.

I don't really know what else to say, other than I'm happy. I'm really happy.

I just hope nothing gets messed up.

7 comments|post comment

[05 Feb 2006|10:24am]
Riley Hope Cameron
February 4, 2006
2:48 P.M.
19 inches and 6.14 pounds.

5 comments|post comment

remember, whatever. it seems like forever ago. [23 Jan 2006|05:30pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

My head hurts. Really bad. This isn't good.

My appointment is tomorrow. I'll update about how it went, I guess. 'Cause I have nothing interesting to talk about now.

2 comments|post comment

time starts moving, faster than i can. [06 Jan 2006|07:15pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

It's been a while since I've updated.

Sean and I are doing good. Ever since he started his second job, I don't see him as much, which kind of sucks, but it'll be alright after a while. Although, I feel kind of worthless right now. I can't work as much as I could before I was pregnant, so obviously, I'm making less money. It makes me feel bad that Sean has to go to school and work two jobs to pay off this house. And the ring and necklace he bought me. I don't know how we're going to afford everything. But I don't know what else to do.

I had to reschedule my doctor's appointment until next week. I'm definitely going this time. I mean, I can't put it off again. This is going to be my first one, and I know it's important. I need to know how the baby's doing and all that.

Other than that, not much else is going on. I guess I'll end this here.

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[28 Dec 2005|06:13pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

I'm happier than I've ever been. Ever.

I love Sean Hope Cameron.

2 comments|post comment

[26 Dec 2005|02:11pm]
[ mood | bored ]

New screen name:

sparkle spazz em.

2 comments|post comment

darling, what do you expect? [25 Dec 2005|09:17pm]
[ mood | happy ]


Merry Christmas!

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just try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend. [24 Dec 2005|05:42pm]
I'm not even going to bother telling anyone anything again. No one ever believes me, anyway.

[23 Dec 2005|06:43pm]
He tried to rape me.
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what have i done? [21 Dec 2005|07:29pm]
[ mood | upset ]

Oh boy.

So, I ran into Darcy. We fought, like normal. But, it was worse this time. We actually, physically fought. It was crazy. Sully and Sean found us somehow and split us up. Then Darcy thought she was going into labor, which turned out to just be labor pains -- nothing serious. But we all went to the hospital.

They were all blaming it on me! Well, not everyone -- mostly Sean. So, yeah, I'm pretty sure he hates me. He won't even listen to my side of the story. I think he just enjoys being mad at me. Maybe he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. I mean, we never talk -- even when he's not mad at me. Some relationship.

I feel like the most horrible person in the world, even though it wasn't my fault. My God, she's the one that tried to punch me in my stomach. Luckily she missed the baby by about an inch.

What if she tells Jess? I'm afraid he might come after me or something, I really am.

Maybe I should just crawl into a hole and die. Yes, I think that would be the best solution.

6 comments|post comment

[20 Dec 2005|03:33pm]
Jess came on to me the other night while I was out alone. I think he was drunk. I told him I wasn't interested and he hurt me. He even left a bruise on my back. I'm scared of leaving the house, he might come after me again.

I tried to warn Darcy, but she just laughed in my face and told me that I was only saying that to split her and Jess up. Why would I ever do that?

She better not come crying to me when she gets hurt.
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